So I went on a trip to Murfreesboro, TN over the weekend. I mean Long Island, NY, Philadelphia, and parts of New Jersey.

So on Friday morning I left here and drove down to Connecticut for the first part of the trip: The Ferry to Long Island. This was pretty uneventful. While in line I met an older gentleman with a Marines hat and jacket on who informed me that the ferry we were waiting for was the best one, it was brand new and it was like �being on a cruise�. I didn�t get any type of food poisoning, so I have no idea what he meant by that. The voyage was short and uneventful, the most interesting thing being the lesbian woman sitting next to me at one point decked out like some sort of bizarre intellectual-Long-Island-snobby-Truman-Capote-looking character, complete with duck head cane. I knew she was a lesbian because her face smelled like pussy. You asked didn�t you?

A friend was supposed to go with me to the concerts. At the last minute I decided I needed to be alone. So I somehow managed to go to the concerts with a friend from Massachusetts, without really spending any time with her. I could go for a glass of wine right now, or a swig from the bottle anyway.

So I needed to put up this fa�ade that I was in New York City for Thanksgiving, and then spent Friday on Long Island with my girlfriend �up around Fire Island, and shit like that�. It was a little hard, and a few times I had to make up stories, Regardless, the trip was less stressful this way.

After the show in NY, I drove down to Philadelphia, which literally took the 2 hours and 15 minutes as Mapquest promised. I mean I drove to the motel in New Jersey, near Philadelphia. The woman at the desk was friendly and talked to me about Salem, MA. I said �why the fuck are you looking at where I�m from on my license?�. I then realized you were supposed to get upset if they look at your age on your license, and apologized. No I didn�t, none of that happened. Well, the discussion of Salem did.

Saturday I woke up and drove down to South Street without getting lost, found a parking spot and spent two hours and less than a hundred dollars on music. Way less than $100.

I then met up with Addie, and he friend Mike or Steve I think. He was a nice guy, and to tell you the truth I would have rather hung with them than see the show, as it wasn�t that great. We went to visit Peth at the library of law. Mike or Steve told us about an illusion called �the David Copperfield� which was very, very, funny, especially with the added �it�s called the David Copperfield, because it�s an illusion� he added at the end. We then went into this office with this guy Rich �wheels of steel� Gama and did a bunch of coke. No we didn�t. After a brief ride back to the motel, I met up with my friend who stayed in another room in the motel. The traffic getting into the place was a fucking nightmare of the worst possible nightmare of traffic nightmares that involve traffic.

So I get back to the motel after an okay Phish show, or rather below average one. I fall off to sleep�only to be awaken by a ringing phone. I look at the clock radio, it says �3:07�. It�s the motel room phone. I assume it�s Denise, realizing she left her wallet in my car or something. An Asian sounding woman is practically whispering on the line. This is completely serious, this really happened:

Who�s this?

You called me, who�s this?

What are you doing? (the closest voice I can think of would be the wife of Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction, but so quiet I had to be real quiet to hear her)

Sleeping, what are you doing?

I�m horny.

Really?

Yes, what is your name?

Chris

Where are you from? (now I�m getting suspicious and think it�s some sort of scam, and they are waiting outside, so I get more guarded)

Rhode Island

What do you look like?

I�m 5� 11�

How much do you weigh?

200 pounds (Who doesn�t lie about their weight??)

My pussy is pink

Really?

Yes, what do you want to do to it?

How did you get this number?

I was there tonight, I am in Cherry Hill now ( I now think she may have just dialed the wrong room number- is it possible to dial a motel room from the outside without going through the desk?)

Anyway, this went on for a while. I ended up shutting the lights out as the surreal thing was starting to freak me out. Finally, she just hung up, and for 20 minutes or so later I looked out the peephole waiting for the bad guys to come smashing my door in and robbing me, but it never happened.

However, the next morning while getting ready to check out, I heard some screaming and yelling in the room next door. I put my ear against the wall and heard: �YOU FUCKING FAT BITCH! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU??! YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE AT 11:30 AND IT�S ALMOST 12 NOW!! YOU FUCKING BITCH! THAT CHECK BETTER BE FOR 500 DOLLARS!� There were about three or four of these phone calls. I scurried past his room on the way to the lobby, and got the fuck out of Dodge.

My friend in Philadelphia was not there when I called her, so I decided to head home at 2:00. After about 10 minutes on the New Jersey Turnpike sitting in traffic, I decided to get off the highway. I somehow thought a good idea would be to take back roads all the way back to Massachusetts. I went from South Jersey up to a little after Elizabeth, New Jersey before I decided it was getting too confusing, and not so pretty (Elizabeth-not a white in sight! Aaight!). By the time I got on the Garden State Parkway, most of the traffic was gone the rest of the ride home. A normally 6 hour ride took 9, not bad. Oh, I got lost in Philadelphia on Saturday night for a good while.

before & after