Oh Joy!
2003-04-23 || The "Richard Simmons" entry
Soundtrack � Man or Astroman? � What Remains Inside a Black Hole

So here I am doubled over at my desk yesterday wondering what this shooting pain in my cock is (I debated using the word �penis�, as it is more serious, and well, pain in the genitals is a serious issue, but cock is much more�sexier, and it gives the illusion of this large erect, oiled penis) when I think to myself �maybe if I go beat off in the men�s room it will go away�.

I make my way over to the men�s room, which is in earshot of my desk, as well as the three women who work for me. Unbeknownst to them, their boss is going to go have an orgasm in the bathroom because he has an unexplained pain in his cock. Earlier in the day I fixed the lock on the door when one of the women complained it was coming loose. This would be a gamble, but if it meant having an orgasm after my leftover ham dinner (this was not leftover from Easter as we had turkey on Easter, not ham. I hate turkey more than any living thing on earth, and would not care if I never ate it for the rest of my life. If turkeys went extinct I would have a party, I would celebrate. I would rather eat my cat then eat turkey. However, ham was consumed on Monday evening, and this was the leftovers. To celebrate the Paul Revere we ate ham. On Easter I actually announced to my mother, brother, and grandmother that this was probably the 28th best Easter dinner in the 33 or so I have had�was that mean?), as well as the absence of pain in my cock, then who the fuck cares?

I got into the bathroom and sat down and started �getting ready�. For any man who masturbates, you know what this entails generally. (Getting ready should not be confused with �The Gettin� Ready Move� which is commonly seen in pornographic movies when a man is standing there playing with his cock �backwards�, you know jerking it off with the index finger and thumb meeting on the bottom rather than on the top of the cock, which is just known as �jerking off�) In a sterile bathroom setting this can take ten minutes. So in the midst of getting ready I realized �getting ready� hurt too.

Also coming into play is the fact that my boss�s window is directly across the parking lot, and literally looks down into this bathroom. If the blinds had ever fallen down I would be history�assuming he happened to be looking out the window into my bathroom at that time.

I decided to not do it. This isn�t to say I never have before, and never will in the future, but between the pain trying to get ready, the window, the new lock on the door I installed and the whole grandiosity of the event, I called it off and dealt with the pain for the rest of the day.

Upon waking up this morning, the pain had mysteriously disappeared, and my cock is feeling normal again.

before & after