Man, I was reading about this American Idol show today, and I couldn�t help but get pissed off. This seems to happen a lot actually. I�ve always thought that music critics were a notch below Nazi�s in the morality pool personally; the fact that kids go on this show and probably listen to the judges when they tell them they are awful, etc. I�ve never paid attention to what kind of music is performed on there, but judging by the logo of the TV show, I can imagine what it sounds like, not my cup of tea. It just pisses me off that they can just judge art, or music in such a trivial matter. It�s about as important as award ceremonies to me.

So a while back, maybe a year ago, I was up at the shopping mall on a weekday evening to buy some clothes I think. I went in around 7 o�clock or so and walked around one of the anchor department stores looking through the cheap shit that �feels comfortable, yet has at least 5% taste�. I�ve never told anyone this story, as my friends and I joke about this kind of thing sometimes, and well, it is kind of bad in retrospect. So I�m walking around the store when a girl employee walks up to me and says: �can I help you find anything?� I tell her I�m fine; as she turns around to walk away and continue what she�s doing, I notice how striking she is. Now she�s a few yards away putting some clothes on hangers from a shopping cart. She keeps looking over at me �nice tattoos� she says. I say thanks, and then she comes over and starts talking to me about wanting one, but having to wait until she�s 18, in two years.

She was one of those hip-hop/ghetto girls, and half my age. I immediately thought to myself �okay, end the conversation with the hot girl half your age and move along�go buy some Centrum Vitamins or something, Centrum Silver�. Instead, and I have no idea where this came from, and I have no idea why I am talking about this in public now, but I say �Hey, do you smoke weed?� She puts on a huge grin and says �yeah�. I then ask her if she wants to smoke some when she gets out of work. She surprisingly says yes quick, surprising me, as I am a complete stranger and could be a serial killer, or rapist. Anyway, I know me, so I know I�m not going to kill her or rape her. We arrange to meet out in the parking lot at 9:30, and I will drive her home as long as she can get in touch with her brother who is supposed to pick her up at 9:30.

I leave the store and think about leaving and just never going back to the store. �Do I have a date with a 16 year old girl?� I�m thinking to myself. What if someone I know sees her getting in my car when I come back?

9:30 comes pretty fast, and I see her approach me, as I am parked right in front, in one of the fire lanes. She gets in the car and immediately the car smells like perfume. �Cool stereo� is the first thing she says. �That�s what they all say� I think to myself. She asks where I want to go, and we end up at this industrial park nearby so I can roll a joint for us. By now I�m kind of sweating from being nervous at the bizarreness of the situation, and legal ramifications if I ever got caught giving drugs to a 16 year old girl.

To make a long, embarrassing, shameful story short, one thing led to another, and we started making out in my car at another area. I specifically thought to myself that this felt like what it felt like making out when I was 16 years old or so. She was a little more aggressive than I remember girls at that age though, and by the end of the night just about everything but intercourse was done in my car.

I drove home feeling like a complete asshole, pervert, pig. She gave me her cell phone number and I hid it in my backpack just in case it fell out in front of anyone. I ended up calling her that weekend, and we went out once more and pretty much had the same night, just longer. That was the night I drove home upset about the whole thing and realized how fucking wrong I was, and how stupid and careless I had acted. I was a typical guy now. No morals, no ethics. I threw her cell phone number out the window near my house, and never called her again after that, and haven�t returned to the store she worked at.

I figured this would be the better place to get it out...as much as I�ve wanted to tell friends, I thought they would think I went too far (which I did), anyway, that is off my chest now, I guess I can move on.

Have a good April Fools, sucker.

before & after