Oh Joy!
2003-03-01 || the best picture that has ever been taken
Soundtrack � Amon Tobin � Out From Out Where

Friday night! Whoo! I haven�t done a thing yet! Whoo! It�s 12:41 AM! Whoo! Fuck! Jesus! Whoo!

Driving home tonight, I heard a commercial for a new reality tv game show. Something about having to plan a wedding in 48 hours�what the fuck? Who would watch that? They are going overboard with these fucking shows now. Survivor, Fear Factor, etc. So driving, I came up with a few ideas for reality game shows I would like to see:

�Who Wants to Fuck Richard Simmons?�

Each episode would have Richard sitting on one of those little rugs hugging a woman. He would start getting a little too close for comfort, and then the television viewer would get to see what happens at the end of the season after all of the Pre-Foreplay with the different women. Perhaps the viewer could vote who they think went all the way with Richard.

�I�m Fucking Starving�

This would be on HBO, just because of the title though. The producers of the show could take some prissy actress type, or Wall Street guy, and make them homeless in a city for 6 weeks. They would keep cameras on them to make sure no friends or family could sneak them food. You would start the contestant off with $10, and leave them in�Detroit.

�The STD Roulette Wheel�

You would have a partner. One would be in the TV studio in front of a Wheel of Fortune type wheel. Instead of dollar amounts there would be different STD�s. Your partner would be in a building with different rooms. You would spin the wheel and send your partner to a room where he or she would have sex with an anonymous person. The person in the studio, and the viewing audience would be the only ones who knew what the disease was. Two weeks later, both people would return, and the person would have to guess what STD they contracted on the previous show.

�Survivor: Afghanistan, Winter�

No explanation necessary for that one.

�White African Americans in South Chicago�

This would be a Real World type show. In the house would be Tiger Woods, Al Roker, Bryant Gumbel, and Will Smith.

�Who Wants to Marry a Misogynist?�

Women would get to pick from a pool of men who hate them. Some of the activities would be �How fast can you get your new man a beer?�, and �How many times can you catch your man looking at the waitress when she walks away from the table?�, and my favorite, the task juggling contest �How fast can you change the dinner when your man decides he �doesn�t fucking want chicken��

I will pitch these to some TV studio�s this spring once I have them all figured out.

Water with lemon is good, you motherfucker.

Today, I got a Styx CD. For free. Apparently a shipment came into the warehouse with three copies of Styx � Greatest Hits. For some reason we weren�t able to return them, so the warehouse manager e-mailed everyone asking if they wanted a copy. I immediately responded with �yes�don�t tell anyone though�. She responded that someone was reading it over her shoulder and they would tell everyone. Later on in the day a woman left a message on my voicemail that said �Mr Roboto�.�. I watched the Behind the Music on this (How about a Behind the Music on Dan Fogelberg? How boring would that be? ��and then I made yet another shitty record��) band a couple weeks ago, and as a child, when my dad worked for the record company, we got to go backstage at a Styx concert. I haven�t listened to it yet. Perhaps I will just end up selling it for cigarettes. Perhaps I will get really fucked up on crystal meth for the first time, and drive my car around and listen to it.

Maybe I will listen to it and contemplate the existence of this photo Look at it, and keep looking at it, you know you want to

before & after