It�s sunny out today and the Puerto Rican woman with the scar on her arm gave three smiles instead of one but still put too much cream in my coffee. Perhaps a sign that she wants a white man. This is how I read things. I would fuck a 9 year old boy if the money wereright. I mean fuck over, bnoot sexually. Steal lthe lunch money of little kids.

Today we get paid, and my whole check will be spent by noon. To go two weeks of stealing money, borrowing money, and writing more checks that bounce. At least I can afford to buy drugs and gamble. Last night in the Keno Parlor, a surreal experience in itself with �ten! Ten! Ten! Sixteen! Sixteen! Sixteen!� rattling my skull for a few minutes. A young kid in the truck waiting for his dad to spend money he could have bought a trigonometry book with in 10 years. Picking up hookers is like gambling sometimes, unless you know her. If I can leave work today. Well, I have these phukinc phone calls I have to make. I hate talking to the women on the phone at the bank to tell them to unfreeze my account and not take my car away again. There are new cd�s I need to buy, this is more important than government secrets. Get the fuck out of this place now. Tonight, I was going to see if I could smoke a pack of cigarettes and smash the cell phone, like a ceremony. They called. They called, They are not supposed to fucking call me the motherfuckers. Now that they have gone the extra mile to ask for something, I am ignoring them. This is why I will smash their shit. I don�t want to pay them their money after the aggravation trying to pay them money. I like not having the phone now. Now I am now I�m invisible I am now. Sitting at the red light right before the Puerto Rican with the scar on her arm I thought to myself �I kind of want to die�. Not a whole lot, as there are some things I�d miss, a few. But for the most part I have absolutely no reason to go on at this point. However, it is sunny out, and it�s pay day. WHOO! I can�t think of a better day than today. You don�t have to worry about running out of drugs, you have gas in the car, about 8 packs of cigarettes. That is what I will do tonight. I�ll get the cigarettes and pornography in New Hampshire. They have fantasy booths. Well, just the cigarettes. I don�t like pornography. I can�t wait until 10 years from now when I am still in this same exact place, that should be a good time. At the office though, they will miss me. I have for two days felt an odd trembling in my chest. Is this it? Quick, where is �this�is�it� from? If you can tell me, I will give money out, or a gift rather. I don�t, I mean I have gifts that I can make or find on the floor. No clothes are there. Last year when the doctor said �your blood sugar is high, come back so I can do more tests�, I ignored him and never went back waiting for that diabetic seizure to hit. What�s the hold up?

I think this summer I would like to drive to California by myself. I could stop in Oklahoma for a few days, and then go to California again. I hate this place more than anything right now.

�You will live a long and fruitful life�

before & after