The number of times I lie a day, multiply that by the number of times I have deliberately hurt someone, divided by the amount of money/merchandise I have stolen in my life.

One way to cure a hangover is to insert an unloaded (make sure it�s not loaded sillypants!) shotgun into your mouth lean forward in the chair and press down on the trigger.

Tonight, I will go out to see the band. It�s thankfully not as cold as it�s been here in Boston, now it�s in the 20�s, so I�m back to not wearing a jacket. I hate wearing jackets, they are too limiting. I can handle going out and doing drugs until 2AM as long as it�s not fucking 3 degrees out.

My first girlfriend and I, 1985, attempting anal sex for about three minutes while Tom Petty �You Got Lucky� plays in the background. My next journey to the world of anal sex came in the year 2001 when the IRS said �we can take your condominium away from you�.

In the shower in the morning, that�s where I get pissed off the most. One particular morning I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, quit my band, and murdered anyone with a mod haircut that weighs less than 200 pounds in the shower.

Just found a piece of paper with this written on it in my wallet: �59981009SL�

Graffiti on the toilet paper dispenser last night �who wants to suck my 9� cock in here?� and then �When?�

In the news today a headline reads: �Scientists Uncover How Brain Perceives Color�. Uncover? Was this under wraps for years or something? Was there a group of people waiting to find this out? Do I give a shit how a brain perceives color? I want to see the following news headline, which will interest me:

�Scientists Figure Out Why People Like the Vines�

The number of men who have slept with Carly Simon versus the number of little boys James Taylor has molested

I have made it 33 years, or rather 15 years (when I turned 18) without going to a �nudie bar�. I think I am going to continue this. I like looking at naked women by myself generally, and I don�t like men who yell. In fact I hate loud people in general. Loud men are obnoxious. I can�t imagine that if I got married and had a bachelor party I could possibly be talked into going to one of those places. My bachelor party would consist of a bunch of us going to Barnes and Noble Booksellers, then going back to my place for bong hits and a DVD viewing of Wild Strawberries or something. Right. That�s what I would do on my bachelor party. Or, the other option would be: Tom Hanks is about to marry Tawny Kitaen. Her parents hate him. Her old boyfriend hates him. They all have money and he gets a cut of the crap games on the catholic school bus he drives. His friends decide to give him the bachelor party of all bachelor parties with an expensive hotel, booze, movies and hookers. As the players catch wind of the elements of the party, each adds a little monkey wrench so that one set of hookers ends up giving demos at the bride's shower, the brides friends end up dressed as hookers in a room with a number of non English speaking Japanese business men, and so on as things get out of hand. I�ve actually never seen this movie, I just copied that from the Internet Movie Database. Without further ado, the top ten movies I have never seen, seen only a small part of, and most likely will never see.

1. Top Gun

2. Cocktail

3. Roadhouse

4. Ghostbusters

5. Any sequel or sequels to the Raiders of the Lost Ark

6. Young Guns

7. St. Elmo�s Fire

Okay, this is a waste of time; apparently I was busy trying to fuck my girlfriend in the ass in the 80�s rather than see movies.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?

A: The front row of an N�Sync concert.

before & after