�make sure when fishing late at night, you bring wine�

I haven�t had a drink in 5 years now. I have never tried drugs. I never smoked. I haven�t had sex yet. I want to someday go to New York City and do it all. I want to make sure that the night I arrive there, I do all of this at once. Cigarette dangling from my potty mouth, veins filled with speed, and a hard-on that would rival Bob Dole�s the first night he used Viagra.

�and she�s buy-ing a stair-way to hea-ven�

I felt so fucking uncomfortable. It wasn�t supposed to happen like that. Friends for twenty million years, one particular night, and I all of a sudden have this microphone put in front of my face and Larry King is asking me �why?� �why?� �why?� �why?� �why?� �why?�. I must admit I was embarrassed, the talk of the town and the rumors and the figures and the stats. Who am I ever kidding?

�1-800-K-E-L-L-Y-R-I-P-A�

Okay, so Stan Copetas and I had the brilliant idea of driving to Elliot, Maine at 3:22 AM one night. Our idea was to drop off our annoying friend Ted Swinson and leave him there. Perhaps he would never come back? Perhaps he would finally get the point. We were pussies. We could never just tell someone we didn�t like them; We beat around the bush, Stan Copetas and I. Upon getting in my mini van, Ted Swinson knew something was up. �why are you guys being so nice?� He asked Stan Copetas. Stan Copetas replied �you are a reptile Ted Swinson, we will buy you ice cream, don�t worry�. From that point on, or rather, for the rest of the night, I wanted to drop Stan Copetas off in Elliot, Maine. Ted Swinson was an okay guy, never had a bad thing to say about anyone, would get a friend out of a jam, you know. So Ted Swinson, Stan Copetas and I get to Elliot, Maine, and guess what? They both take these masks off and they are both now these other guys I know Carlton Charleston, and Guy Anacontio! They tell me if I don�t get out of the car, they will tell everyone about how much shit I talk. I tell Carlton Charleston and Guy Anacontio, posing as Ted Swinson and Stan Copetas respectively, that they will never get away with this, and I will see them when I get back. I haven�t gone back yet.

�they are not true redheads if they shave their pussies�

Once we start fires and realize there is not enough water in the world to put them out (well, not enough that we can afford!), we begin trying to use cheap methods like fire extinguishers filled with foam, throwing sand on them, blankets, shit like that. The reality is, we are weaklings, look at us.

�how many people here are into this Phil Collins tune? Raise your hand�

MY HEAD ITGETSFILLEDWITHTHINGS

ITDOESNTNEEDTOGETFILLEDWITHEACHNIGHT EACHMORNINGEACHAFTERNOONALLDAY

ITBURNSAFUCKINGGIGANTICHOLEINMYSOUL

THETHOUGHTSOFTENYEARSAGOWHENIWASONTHEVERGEOFHAPPINESS

WITHHERANDWHENITHOUGHTIWASONTHETOPOFTHEWORLD

SHORTLYTHEREAFTERIWONDERNOWWHEREWEWOULDBE

IFITHADHAPPENEDIWONDERIFTHESPARK

WOULDHAVEALWAYSBEENBRIGHTISHOULDHAVE

KNOWNWHENYOUTOLDME

IHADDIRTYHANDS

THEFIRSTTIMEYOUMETME

ANDIDIDNTKNOWYOUWEREJOKING

YOUMADECOMMENTSALWAYS

ITOOKITTHEWRONGWAY

INEVERTRUSTEDYOUTHATWASTHELASTTIMEIDIDNTTRUSTAWOMAN

ANDYOUDIDNTDOANYTHING

HOWIRONICTHATTHEONLYWOMANIDIDNTTRUST

NEVERSTABBEDMEINTHEBACKBUTYOUDIDTELLME

IHADTHOSEDIRTYHANDSTHATTIME.

�ladies and gentlemen, the actor of over 900 foreign films, and guitarist for the Grateful Dead, Jerome Garcia�

Joanne called me last year. Every time Joanne calls, we talk about how, I have absolutely no idea how to use a comma

�the fact that nobody has ever had sex with Ruth Buzzi�

one of the most intense fucking fruit salad experiences I have ever had was back in 1980. I was 24 years old, and just getting off of a bad Quaalude habit that lost me my job, my wife, and my car. I ate the motherfucking fruit salad, I did.

�the first time my friend Breaux had sex versus the first time someone actually enjoyed the band the Bronski Beat�

In 1985, my brother offered to take me to see the Cure at the Orpheum Theatre in Boston, I didn�t want to go because my girlfriend at the time (a redhead) was going to go to this party. This guy was going to be at the party that I remember her and her friend saying they thought was cute. I would have none of this. Me, all of 16 years old, putting my foot down with the girl who took my virginity months before. She didn�t end up going to the party, I ended up going to the show. Years later, she told me after we broke up, she met up with him at a Halloween party, he was dressed as a priest, and she ended up blowing him in his mansion on Marblehead neck. I am still jealous of people who make more money than me. I have since seen the Cure 8 times.

�the first time Ornette Coleman had sex with a white woman�

According to the calculator, I�ve smoked a little under 100,000 cigarettes in my life time.

�I like the way the women sing the soul music songs in my head when I drive�

Sometimes, I wish I had a sense of humor. I take everything serious 100% of the time. Everyfuckingthingserious100%ofthetimeIdo. Don�t test me. They don�t know me. They never did, and never will. This is medication, that is all.

before & after