So there I am standing in line at the health food/communist run supermarket when I realize I have no money in my wallet. Not a fucking dime. Not that I�d ever keep a fucking dime in my wallet. I ask the cashier if they take credit cards. He replies matter-of-factly �umm, no�. I then ask him if he takes men out on dates, and drop my basket of groceries and walk out to a faint �ummm sir, this is a collective, can you please put your items back where you found them?�. My car is an oven when I get back from the hour long visit to the market, so I decide to open the windows for my dog for the ride back to my house.

I am out of money, so I�ve come up with a couple of easy methods of making money. Hopefully, someone can give me some guidance, and pick which one of these sounds like the smartest choice.

1) Rob people at ATM�s far away from where I live. This one is fairly easy if you have one of those little bats they sell at baseball stadiums. They make for good little clubbing devices. When I was in the North Pole last�well, anyway, before leaving my train of thought behind. So, I have this Baltimore Orioles 14 inch bat. It is very easy to hide behind those stand alone ATM�s and wait for the BMW�s, and the Lexuses to pull up, wait for them to come out, and bam, you�ve just made 100 bucks or so. You do a dozen of these in a night moving from state to state, you�re bound to have enough money for that Armani suit you wanted. You have to make sure you don�t kill the person. I usually try to jump out with a mask on, and hit them in the nose �check swing� style. This will just make them grab their nose quick, and you get to act fast and grab all the money that falls out of their hand.

2) Light an American flag on fire, and wait to get beat up by cops, and then call the ACLU and sue them. I�ve been thinking of this one for a while now. I could easily egg on the jock/military guy cops in the small town I used to live in. This one seems like the most profitable one, just time consuming.

3) Kidnap a child. With the amount of child abductions going on, this would be looked at as �oh, just another abduction�. Until I appear on television demanding the family pay my car insurance, pay my car off, pay the government those back taxes I owe, and pay those bill collectors from years ago. I will not harm the child. I will actually treat the child better by letting it stay up all night watching cartoons and drinking soda and eating candy with me. The child will just be duct taped to a chair, and it might have to sit through CSPAN for a couple of hours.

4) Kill the President of the United States of America � I just put this one here as I�m sure somewhere they do searches daily for any sort of threats to the president that may appear on the internet. So, maybe there is a secret service man reading this right now who is now starting up a file on me. Or adding it to the one I think I already have for sending harassing e-mails to George W earlier this year. Anyway, if I can kill the president of the United States of America, I would become famous, and would never have to work again. How great is that?

5) Wait until someone tailgates me on the highway, and then slam on my brakes, and then sue them. I have a friend who does some auto body work, so maybe I could get a discount on repairs, and then keep the insurance money to buy drugs, and weapons. Then, and only then will I start making the real money.

before & after