I�m bored with sports again. I followed baseball for a little while, but I think it�s evident I just don�t need to be into sports at all. I think if I was into sports, it would be hockey, and if I had a hockey team, the jerseys would look something like this

when my team arrived in town, we would arrive in style

a) Today I saw what looked like an attractive girl from the side anyway, in the passenger seat of this BMW and I wondered what she has to do that she doesn�t like to do to sit in such an expensive car.

b) At Lynch Park we sat and drank wine coolers, and I think you threw up. At that age, it was easy to throw up. If you throw up from wine coolers nowadays, you�re considered a pussy.

c) Ted fucked Vicki about 25 minutes after their shift ended at the video store; on the way back to her car he mentioned that he thought the most efficient way to get things done is if they are MILITANT with making people drop the videos in the box, rather than leaving them on the counter. When Vicki got in the house she drank half a bottle of Robutussin and fell asleep in her blue company shirt.

d) At one point on the train ride, I think it was in Nebraska, I came out of the bathroom and there was a woman waiting, the window between the cars was open, and it was dark. I smiled at her. Upon returning to my seat I imagined how intense it would have been if I had thrown her out of the window and returned to my seat to read another fucking tired Jack Kerouac novel with my stupid fucking goatee and cardigan.

e) On our way to the carnival, everyone in the car is a little drunk except for me, I�m trying to give Candace directions, and mix her drinks for her. We arrive at the carnival, and just as we are walking in, Tim looks at me and says �there�s that dude from McNeil�s house last week�

f) I ran out of things to say, so I started burning my fingers with matches so I could get them feeling good again.

g) When I go out and get in my car in the morning, I have this ritual. The same song runs through my head every fucking morning in the shower, and throughout my dressing, selecting which quote I need to live by for the day, and when I get in my car. I wrote the song, and it gets itself stuck in my head every morning somehow. To release it from my brain, I ask the girl with the really long fucking hair and eyebrow piercing to make sure there�s enough ice in the drink, and then I promise her I will tip her next time.

h) Children, being eaten by a gigantic woman with no eyes.

i) Isaac Hayes + Billy Crystal + John Coltrane = Luke Perry

j) She ordered the wrong thing, so when the waitress came back, I told her that we would need the check, and if she could call my date a cab, she obviously didn�t read the contract.

k) In the basement, I felt insecure and out of place. Every fucking basement. I have a long history of feeling insecure in basements. Make sure, no, MAKE FUCKING SURE, you never take me to your basement. I am vulnerable there. I will listen to everything you say, I will think every remark is a criticism of how I am seen. I�ve never had sexual relations with any person I�ve met in a basement. I�m like the guy who throws up from wine coolers nowadays, a fucking pussy. I�m a fucking pussy in the basement, go ahead, make fun of me.

l)

m) My phone never fucking rings anymore, all of the fuckers who said they would call months ago, they never call. I don�t call, they don�t call, nobody gives a shit anymore. Soon we�ll have those conversations �hey, did you hear so and so got shot?�.

n) The "sweetheart" of TV's The Mickey Mouse Club, American entertainer Annette Funicello began performing at age 10. 666 The Disney people themselves sensed that Funicello had star quality, building several musical numbers around her on The Mickey Mouse Club and fashioning her own Club show-within-a-show miniseries, appropriately titled "Annette." Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou Funicello's post-Mickey Mouse career was far more successful than that of many of her fellow Mouseketeers--and the reasons cannot be charged up to looks alone. fuckfuckfuckfuck. She also was guest-starred on the Disney TV series Zorro and Wonderful World of Color, and was given sizeable roles in such Disney theatrical features as The Shaggy Dog (59) and Babes in Toyland (61).

o) The one time I decided to start shaving my head myself was a week after my barber told me I shouldn�t go into the city because there were a lot of n***ers there.

p) To pass the time we would argue about which was more important film or music. You would always win with your fucking film school knowledge, and my short term memory lapses coming on strong in the face of confrontation.

q) The night Steven Spielberg fucked my wife.

r) 1-800-ECSTASY

s) It seems that when I drink this red wine, I decide I don�t mind drinking after all. Don�t call me a hypocrite you fuck. If people didn�t change their opinions daily, and grow and learn different things daily how boring would we be? I like the wine right now, tomorrow I will say I think my friends are fucking losers because they looked at a glass of beer.

t) We got this woman fired one day. She was out of line, and out of hand, so we had her fired. I am a fucking pussy, but I looked her right in the eye and said to her, well I said some shit that you normally wouldn�t say. I fucking told her some shit.

u)

v) A man watched us fuck in the car. We saw him and you started freaking out. Plus, you were late and your dad would be waiting for you. I thought that your dad would probably be more upset at what I had called you while I was fucking you, as it�s impossible to have two fathers.

w)

x) She did so much cocaine in one night that the next time I saw her I punched her in the nose so many fucking times she wouldn�t be able to snort anything for at least two weeks. I broke up with her a week later.

y) The unfortunate experience of having to tell your friends you are getting your wisdom teeth out.

z)

and then I woke up.

before & after