The phone rings, but you can�t be bothered to answer it. You spent all this time and effort, and look where it got you. Hiding in your room. Hiding from the outside world. Hiding from others. Everyone IS out to get you, obviously, but you need a little bit of the sun each day to get by. The sound of a phone ringing hurts your ears more than any other sound. The shrieking ringer on your phone makes you want to throw the thing against the wall, but you don�t, you look and see who it is, and ignore it anyway. Someday it will all work out for you in some way, whether it�s in reality, or up in your little room there with no windows. You created this whole universe of how things should be, and never made it out of there. Why venture outside when you have all of this life in the room. You could stay in that room all day with your friends. Your friends don�t talk back to you. They look at you, and listen to you when you need to be listened to. I wonder how many more nights you will be able to stand taking up all of the room in that bed? I wonder how many more nights you�ll have Bob Dylan put you to sleep. You always seem to fall asleep right before Louise and her lover. The night you stay up all night. You have that night every month it seems. Once a month there�s that big night where the routine is broken for an evening. Past memories of older women pass through your mind. How lame they all were. The older ones were the worst kissers in the world. They couldn�t fuck anymore. They were tired. They didn�t have the spark you were looking for, so you threw them aside and waited for something more your speed came along. You used there older women for something, and then went on your way with a smile on your face, and the blood of some lonely woman all over your hands. You feel guilty here and there, but for the most part you go on. You know the way you are. You knew what you were doing, you just forgot to tell her that it meant nothing to you. You forgot that one little piece of information when she fell for you. Not interested. In the least bit. Not for a minute would you ever consider spending any time with someone who thought they knew you. You knew they lied to you. All the women lied to you. All your life, women lied to you. You would pay them back. One heart at a time, you would pay them all back. Their sisters weren�t safe from you. The hermit with a game plan. The man who thought he would win the award for best supporting actor was nothing but a fraud all along. Playing the game as best you could, to add another notch to your crotch. It�s sort of fun to see how people react to your games. What are you doing experiments with heads? You feel as lonely as you have ever felt when you can�t get it up for a woman who�s willing to fuck you twelve ways to sunrise. You�re a lonely man, and it shows. You are done. Defeated. You lost the game, and she has won. You get to sleep in the big king-size bed with your self, and some pillows. One side of the bed is always cold. Once you feel like you have done your deed, you need to move along and get yourself back into gear. Try some exercises on unsuspecting hopeless romantics, and again, you lose. You think your revenge was the best you could do, but it wasn�t anything compared to the karma you created for yourself. Someone laughs at you while you suffer. Someone laughs at you when you think it�s all a big joke. The joke is on you, and you don�t even know it. It�s about time you faced the music, and left things be. It�s time to move on, and start something new. Don�t go breaking things that are unbreakable. You even told yourself you would be alive for the whole thing, it looks like things haven�t worked out how they were supposed to work out though. It looks like things are turning an ugly corner. You�ve made a career out of this, why stop now? Things will change, just wait.

This week will be hell. I had band rehearsal tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday I have whole days of contract negotiations with the union at work. Thursday I have more rehearsal, Friday I am going to drive to upstate New York to see Trey from Phish play with the Vermont Youth Orchestra, drive home after the show, and get up in the morning and go record with the band. Sunday I think I will finally feel a little relieved. As it stands now, I haven�t been awake for much of this. I�ve been sort of floating by, way too busy with a million things on my mind to stop and sit down for a minute. Thank God I have Angela right now, as I would feel really down. I enjoy having her here night after night. I feel strange when I go to sleep alone now. Strange�My neck, as well as my whole body aches, anyone have any ideas?

I�ve started checking out some more music lately. Currently, I�ve been digging: Iggy and The Stooges, MC5, Bluegrass music of all eras(seeing as my company puts out some of the best around, I figure I should take advantage, and get as much as I can, as it�s all quality for the most part�if you like this kind of thing. Most people hate anything that even remotely smells of country, but this stuff is great�), the Animals, anything on Warp Records, and Alice Cooper�anyway, I�m dog tired. Woof.

before & after