I thought this was through now, apparently not I guess. So what happens if you come home and everything is gone, it�s all gone. Everything you owned, everyone you knew, is gone. Some other place, then what the hell do you do? So I had a dream I was standing at a bar with a short girl with short red hair and we both ordered beer in plastic cups. I all of a sudden remembered I didn�t want beer and threw it on the floor. Help. I keep thinking that if I do indeed lose my mind, nobody will be around to help me find it. This is what I think of day to day. Everyday it goes through my head once. This and all of them will be gone, nobody to lend a helping hand. One guy on the floor, and a group of friends high above the Atlantic sipping expensive champagne with models and members of the Wu-Tang Clan. Well, it could work out for the better though. They say you need a big change after a while or you will go nuts. So I figure, I go nuts now, that�s some sort of big change, and then later I will feel good. I will just let everything go now. I don�t want any sort of code of conduct or anything like that. Somebody just needs to come up and hand me my guitar (I can handle tuning it, thanks though) and I will begin the spiral downward. Watch me spiral down into obscurity now. Plane flying above me filled with friends who can�t remember what I looked like, and girls I had crushes on finally getting what they want, me gone. They all want me away from them. Far away from them because for some reason they don�t trust me or don�t think I�m good enough. Take a look around first. I�m used to being the second choice of women. It�s too bad that I have fallen into this cycle now. It�s too bad I could have been a big star I think, now the curtain closes on the others and I�m left here again. It�s not like my mouth isn�t working. The people at work have no idea who I am anymore. Once you let out the secrets you lose immediately. I only tell strangers what the real problem is. I travel through the city in the afternoon looking for that one person to stop. I know they are out there. They get it. There�s a few of us I see here and there. They walk by and smile, they know how it is. Watch the robots and sheep take over the consciousness of your peers. They all succumb to peer-pressure, because they have no clue there are other alternatives. Try the rough ones. Try the one that nobody else has tried before. Try the one that gets you laid at a party in lower Allston because you have some sort of leopard print shoes on. There are many other hobbies out there. I�ve never really enjoyed this balance I have more than I am right now. Watch this. Watch this space for more information on what I mean. There are actions. They tell me I am going about it right, but look how a Monday evening ends. I�ve not told anyone I love them in a long time now. I think I�m ready to say those words. I don�t know if it will be to a person or an action though. There are other hobbies that are better that sheep and robot impressions. How funny it all looks though. The sky looks so different to me than to anyone in the world, and none of them know it. They see me and think I�m just looking at this sun lit sky. I see it a little different though. In the long run, I will tell someone how to do this. In the course of a whole relationship, I will show someone what I mean. I will show them how it feels to be something on the other side. I don�t have anything to lose but a host of phone numbers and a group of brokers. They don�t get paid, they just show up and do the job, and go home. I wish it was easier to do this, but it really isn�t. Fuck, look at how it�s turned out now. Nobody knows that it makes you look cool to smoke. Nobody knows that it hurts me more than cancer to see people I love put whiskey in their blood. Nobody even knows a fucking thing nowadays about this. Let me try and explain it again. Next week, I will I swear. This has nothing to do with me. This is another story I tell every month.

So tonight I found out that my grandmother (my mothers� mother) went to the hospital because she wasn�t feeling good. They found some tumors in her brain. This isn�t what I wanted to hear before dinner. I�m out.

before & after