So things sometimes work out for the better for some people. So my car died the other day on the way to work, I got it to the mechanic, and I think that�s where I left off, in here anyway. So the guy calls me the next morning and says �you got big problems, there�s a hole in the engine�, �There�s a what?�, �There�s a hole in your motor, it�ll cost a couple thousand dollars, I�d need to find an engine, it could take weeks�you should call the dealer first though� So I call the dealer, he tells me I might be under warranty through Toyota still, as my warranty with him was up. I call them they tell me to check the mileage and tow it down there, to the Toyota dealership. The warranty goes to 60,000 miles. I check the odometer, I�m at exactly 59,604 miles. Yikes�So I had it towed to Toyota this morning, before I went in I wanted to see this �hole in the moduh�. Low and behold, there it was. It looked like the engine cracked in half practically. So the story has a happy ending though. I got a phone call at about 5pm from the guy. �Yeah, we�re gonna work on it Monday, put a new engine in it for you, you�re under warranty, it should be done by Wednesday� �So like a new engine� How much?� �You don�t owe a dime� So I get my car upgraded with a new engine for free just for breaking down and missing two days off of work. Not a bad thing I guess. Oh, and tomorrow morning I get to pick up a car to use for the time being from them.

You fucked up. You know you did. It was so fucking long ago now. It was probably ten years ago now. You can�t look anyone in the face anymore. Everyone knew about it. You knew you fucked up the next day. For a moment did you use your brain? Did the light go on above your head? Shame. You don�t even have any. You have nothing now. You are filled with guilt, no shame, just guilt. Plain and simple as pie. Your phone hasn�t rang in three years now. Your spiral started ten years ago, and continues to this day. You spiral so far down every week you don'� know what to do with yourself. Karma. You always doubted it. Now look at you, a sorry son of a bitch staring at the dusty nightstand wondering when it will just end for you. You're to scared to just end it yourself/ Nobody would miss you at this point. Hell they might have tried to help you at one point in your life. I would never wish harm on anyone, I wouldn�t even wish it upon you, but you fucked up. Somewhere down the line you fucked up. Everything was going by quickly; there were long nights of jokes and aliens and drugs. Now your Friday nights are reduced to lonely chicken and rice dinners in that kitchen. That table nobody has sat at in for years now. Go ahead, switch your seat up every other night. You try to liven it up all the time with that chair swapping game. Musical chairs you play with the weekends. Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose! How many times can you stare at that floor and remember that phone call.(fuck, now I remember). I remember making that phone call. I remember having to tell you everything. Spilling my guts out on the floor like that. I see them there every time I sit in that fucking kitchen. That kitchen is so dark in there without your face. It�s cold in there. My weekends yes, my weekends playing solitaire in that kitchen. Eating alone again. Staring at that floor remembering that phone call. I fucked up, yeah. I�m really sorry though. I never wanted to make that phone call, but I had to be honest. To be honest with you right now, I really don�t know what I would have done if I had never told you. I don�t think I can sit in that kitchen without you talking to me. Crying. My dinner every Friday night is with you. It�s by myself. I haven�t picked up the phone to hear your voice. I haven�t checked the mail in a while. Is there a letter from you there? I fucked up. Now I have nobody. I have my little space I live in by myself. I have my dusty nightstand, and I have guilt inside me. I have more guilt than you will ever know. I couldn�t let you take me back. You have the heart of a giant. You have the biggest heart in the world, and I ripped it out and crushed it. (wait, it was you) How will another winter be? Your 9th winter like this. Your 9th winter of those dinners. Try and spice it up a little, maybe eat in the living room one night. Loneliness really sucks doesn�t it? Just when you think you don�t need anyone in your life, loneliness finally crushes you, and there you are not even remembering what a telephone ring sounds like. Remember that time a few weeks back when those people from the magazine company called? You wanted to stay on the phone with them all night. You loved that conversation. Your first conversation in months, years maybe. �Yeah, I�ll take another survey, sure� How many magazines are you getting delivered to you now? Those magazines, those magazines you read, they�re never going to be able to replace the warmth and companionship of another human being are they? You know that as well as I do. You know that you are going to spend the rest of your life sitting in that lonely little world of yours. You are now the victim of yourself. Too weak to stay above water, and too much guilt to go out and face the world. How long before this ends though? How long before you can just stop lying to yourself and put it in front of you? (it�s not your problem). I wish it was just like it was before. Jokes, kisses, stories, etc. I wish I could have dinner with someone, and I wish I could face the outside world for just one more day before this comes to a halt. Is anyone even listening anymore?

before & after