Oh Joy!
2000-08-07 || There's a big rainbow outside my window and a cute little puppy on my lap, give me hug
Soundtrack: The Who � Who By Numbers

God I can�t say goodbye to Sarah, it�s all too sad watching her as I drive away. I missed her before I pulled away from the motel. The same exact feelings overcame me as last year. Sadness. She�s such a wonderful person I hated that I only got three days with her� : ( I�m not going to hear from her for a while, and I couldn�t make the goodbye any longer than it was, as it�s going to be hard enough without having her around as it is�

It amazes me how insignificant some folks can become in a matter of minutes to me. It amazes me that I can spend time building respect for someone, only to have it shattered in a two minute time span. It confuses me that some people get respect that just don�t deserve it (see �quotes of the month� entry ). Here�s a guy that I�ve met maybe once or twice and immediately thought of as a scum bag just from shit I heard. His views of women, especially ones I love(d) and respect(ed) is at most a complete fucking load of shit. He has a girlfriend yet he�s more than happy to hit on every woman around, and fool around with any woman around, yet he has no respect for women. The worst of it is, the women know about it. Weakness. It grasps everyone. It gets me from time to time. We all fall prey to it here and there. I try and keep my head up in the face of weakness and not do anything that�s going to make me feel like shit, or guilty. The ignorance of most people is shown in their quest for the quick fix. The quick satisfaction. In one ear and out the other. In one cunt and into another. People need kisses, they need hugs, they need to feel loved somehow. I feel it everyday. I am the most frustrated person in the world looking for someone that actually understands where I�m coming from, and where I�m feeling. I�m obvious. I try to be obvious with people. I don�t hide that much. I have no time to deal with fucking worthless men who have nothing good to offer. I have no time for people with bad vibes. I have never admitted this before, but there�s a certain group of friends I have, and when they are together I feel so fucking uncomfortable, the vibes are so negative I always need to leave. One on one it�s fine. Put a mob together though, and I would probably feel more comfortable with Charles Manson. I don�t know what it is, can�t put my finger on it. Well, it�s obvious. There are people I hate, and there are people I love. I can�t have them together. I can�t really put anything together inside of how I really feel right now, but it�s not good. I see that one way street with a �dead end� sign at the very end of it. I�ve avoided people that bring me down, it�s hard to do that when they�re friends though. It�s hard to respect people who fool around with people that are already in relationships though. Case in point: recently I met a girl. Pretty good looking I guess, she seemed interested in me, at least that�s what I heard. I gave it a thought or two. �Oh, she has a boyfriend�it�s not working out between them though��. Great, now what the fuck do I do with that? What do I tell myself to do? Keep away. Yes, keep the fuck away. Another one bites the dust. I shouldn�t even bother wasting my energy or anger on people though, it�s useless. I couldn�t care less at this point anyway. I�ve given people my own personal chances to maybe impress me with something positive, I�ve thought people had chances to show they�re strong�no sorry you lose. You go home without the girl and the red sports car. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Sure, people might say, �hey why don�t you look at yourself before you judge others�no one is supposed to impress you�they�re having fun� I say �fuck you� to that is what I say. Get a fucking clue and grow the fuck up. At the very least don�t come to me and act all cool and calm and on the same fucking page as me, when you�re not even in the same book as me. It amazes me how lonely I feel every night. I occasionally get a phone call in the middle of the night from a drunk person. I occasionally get ideas thrown at me that are worthy of contemplation, for the most part though, it�s all bullshit. Be honest with me. Tell me you�re weak. Don�t lie to me and hide shit from me. I�m writing these things here instead of telling anyone face to face because it�s not worth it. The time it�s going to change is when someone either get�s punched in the face, get�s thrown down on the floor, or get�s their own heart thrown out the fucking window. When someone else feels like this, maybe something will change, until then I say good luck, good riddance, and enjoy the air up there.

Walking through the buildings in downtown Salem fills me with comfort. I like that little area down there. Aside from the freaks with the colored hair and metal sticking out of their faces, it�s pretty good place to be. Tonight I took a good long walk around there with the following inside my head: Teenagers on skateboards riding around not landing a move ever. Teenage girls watching them giggling, hoping to get their hands down the fat pants of the kid with the eyebrow piercing. I saw a girl with red eyes tonight. I approached her �You have red eyes, do you really have red eyes?� �What do you think?� she replied staring at the ground. �I think you�re full of shit� I said jokingly �Fuck you� her friend said. Ha! Told off by a teenage girl, and I was just kidding around. They�re so serious nowadays, they just don�t know what they�re serious about. So deep inside of me walking by these ancient brick buildings I started to think how little I am in the scheme of things. I�m nobody here. I�m no star. There�s no red curtain opening for me there. I have some love. I think there are some people who love me out there. I think there�s some love in the world I have my hand in from time to time. I feel little and alone right now. Two feet tall and bored.

The cool water is good as it cleanses you. Don�t lead anyone on they told me. Don�t let yourself get caught up in other peoples issues they told me in school. Wait, they didn�t prepare me for life in school. They taught me to read and write and solve math problems. I never got a lesson in life. I never took the crash course. Wait, I must be going about this all wrong. I�m really sorry, that second paragraph, That was all made up, I�m not really angry. I have much love fore everyone. I�m kidding around. Always the joker me. I like that people have fun. I like that people do what they want and don�t let anything or anyone get in the way. Who am I to say. I have love. I�m sorry ladies. I didn�t mean to doubt your decision making skills. I didn�t mean to get on the pedestal. Next time I�ll turn the cheek. Next time I�ll turn around. You do what you will with yourselves and I�ll come home and hug myself telling myself everything will be alright. I�ll not worry about others. I�ll deal with my own issues in the mirror. I want to change I want to change I want to change I want to change I want to change I want to change I want to change I want to change I want to change. I�ll chant that over and over. I won�t let myself get out of control. I won�t punch walls in my head. I won�t take out my own insecurities and frustration on anyone but myself. It feels good to keep things inside and let them fizzle out in there you know. It all feels so good. It feels like the iced cold water I drink all day and night. It feels like the large ocean in front of me. It feels so good to be alive, and be in the presence of love and respect. What am I talking about with all of this? I�m a mean boy. I�m a mean guy. I have no right. I�m going to erase this all right now I don�t feel like that I swear. It was all made up. I never have any disrespect for anyone. I know you can�t read this all. I know nobody can feel like I feel forever. I won�t that�s for sure. There�s no way. My door is open again. Open for hugs and kisses. Open for business again honey. Open for the rest of the long hot summer. I wonder if the lists are as long as Kerrys was? Kerry had a big long list of boys in her diary I grabbed out of her hand that time. Kerry had a list. About 25 feet of dick I think it was. I would never compare her to anyone I know now. She is in a good place now though. Karma was good to her let me tell you. Broken hearts all mended and everything turned out well for her. It�s good that she looks like a crack head now. My brain beats with love and hate all day long. It�s back and forth. I�ve made my moves on the chess table. I made moves I made efforts the way I make efforts the way ME makes efforts. I swear it was me in the mirror when I left that morning for work. I�m trying to figure out if sarcasm works on paper. I don�t know. Regardless this whole thing I just wrote was sarcastic, everything on this whole page is a lie I swear to god. I could never fill up with anger. I�m a peaceful warrior with a strong heart. I feel love coming from all directions, there�s no way I could feel otherwise. Ask the girl next door. Ask my doctor. He says I should feel happy with all these wonderful people around me. Nobody is perfect he tells me. I swear he told me that the other day. I don't believe him. There are people that are perfect I swear to god. John Lee Hooker is perfect. I�d like to do dinner, but I can�t do the movie I can�t talk during a movie, and neither can you. I can do the drive north, but I can�t do the trip to the supermarket again. Drugs, cigarettes and after shave. I can�t make the game on Saturday, but I�ll listen to the wrap up on Sunday night. Cheers.

before & after