Oh Joy!
2000-08-04 || same place as the clown with the hand grenades
There�s not much to say at this point. I don�t feel well. I can�t imagine what is inside me that makes me good one day and feeling like this the next day. One thing is people letting me down. The same old same old. I�m not going to start going off on the same old same old things I used to always go off on. I�m not going to give the same fire to myself. The more I think of things the more I get pissed off. The more I think of things working out I think of them not working out for me. Nothing has really gone well in the past what�s changed that now? Nothing really. You still get the same grim conversations about opinions that are just full of shit. You get filled with lies from people. You get filled with 400 more reasons not to ever trust anyone. There is no good reason to trust anyone anymore. I can sit back and laugh and pretend I care about people and what�s going on around me, when I know deep down it�s about me. If I�m not happy or aren�t getting attention, or just something then what�s the point? Why even waste my energy thinking about things anymore? I just don�t have it in me to want to be like anyone. I don�t have it in me to want to be liked by anyone. I don�t have it in me to want to be in love. I don�t have it in me to want to make phone calls anymore. I'� in a severely bad place right now. I don�t tell anyone about it. Budweiser breath isn�t going to help me out there thanks. I haven�t had a good talk with someone in a good long while. Wait a minute I�ve never really had a good talk with anyone have I? This is all good though. This is good. The more people let me down with words they say and things they do, the more I get to be by myself. The best way to be. Party hearty. I�m not even close to anyone or anything I want to be close to anymore. Some of the people I considered good friends and good ears are no longer good ears or good friends. They want just as much as me. It�s funny to see how some of them play, and then how they have to pay in the end. It�s funny to watch a group of people interacting with nervous looks and wanting attention by taking clothes off and discussing emotional problems. Ugly personalities turning on virgins with drugs and malt liquor. Making up excuses to leave the room with that special cock in your hand. Slipping outside for a kiss and a grope. Making mixed drinks with saliva and vodka. Teasing boys with tans and long pants on. Bad techno and hip hop music from MTV�s top ten countdown featuring Eminem and Dr. Dre. Like a scene out of Dawn of the Dead. Like a scene out of Caligula. Like a scene out of the same television show you see every day. Like a million movies I�ve seen. Like a ton of bricks into me. The way people act in groups is funny as hell. Actors and actresses. I like the movies they make though. There�s always good things happening like fights, girls urinating in punch bowls, arguments, drugs, scandal, everything America wants. Brought to you by the twenty something crowd from Massachusetts. I certainly feel like an outsider more and more everyday. What is it you want? What is it that makes you talk about women like that? What is it that you think you�re going to get? A football game and a couple of beers. Sounds great, but I think I need to wash my hair tonight. Conversation is a waste of time with you at this point. It�s the same things over and over. Blah her blah her blah her. I can�t believe after all this time people still think your hairdo and your pants are going to get you laid. This is my hairdo. Everyone I know is very concerned with their hairdo. Everyone I know is concerned with their pants. Their tattoo. Never worried about what crap is falling out of their mouth though. Never concerned with their words and ideas that are raining all over me at once. Never concerned they might be spitting the wrong words at the girl with the cowboy hat. Never think they might be saying the wrong things to people because they�re a guy, they know what they�re doing. It�s funny that guys like this do get women though. Guy�s like me, we have to wait until someone notices. We have to wait until someone thinks we might be important. I need to take lessons from my friend he could tell me a lot. He had them all before any of us. He�s had more women than the womens room at Foxboro Stadium during a Ricky Martin concert. He knows what he�s doing. The women love his charm. They play it off like they don�t, but they do. I�m a good friend. I loan girls books. I give rides and don�t make anyone uncomfortable. Imagine how uncomfortable people would feel around me if they actually knew what I was thinking about. Imagine if the other friend actually had a part of him that was sane? Imagine if I actually like him. Tonight I lay with demons. This weekend I see friends from somewhere else. Next week I come here again and light myself on fire. Next week I kill everything. Here�s my line for the special girl at the ice cream stand: This ice cream has some competition around you honey, this shit is sweet. Here�s my line for the rest of the world: Hello, I like your arms and legs.

before & after